Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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