"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
