We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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