i jhust puked up my retainher.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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