i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
