highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
