I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
