I'm so fucking centered right now
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize