why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
