Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
