I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
