i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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