I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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