Ketchup is God's man juice
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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