you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
