what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
