Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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