shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
