No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
