Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
