i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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