I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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