You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
