Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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