AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
