dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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