How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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