Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
