I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
