so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
