You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
