You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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