Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
