I want to have your abortion
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
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