Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
