mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
