I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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