I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
