I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Randomize
