my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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