This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
