do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
