new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
