There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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