Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
