I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize