true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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