I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
