The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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