My room smells like vodka and shame
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
