I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
