I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
