The maid of honor just puked.
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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