I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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