Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Who died my cat blue again?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
