Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
