it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Randomize
