My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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