I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
