her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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