Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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