i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
