I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
