he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
