my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize