Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
