just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
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