i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
