So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
