just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
