My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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