The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
This baby is an asshole
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize