Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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