Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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