I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
