The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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