Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
